Welcome back to Moms Inspiring Moms, where we hope of  becoming  an inspiration to a fellow mother, parent, and caregiver! 

This article is an offshoot of an informal discussion that I had with my fellow mom, Avie, while we were on a tuktuk heading to grab lunch. We thought of launching a podcast for moms, and one of the topics would be about the mistakes that we made as a mom. Why did we think about this topic? 

Well, for one, we did not want to make the usual content of teaching parents how to be good parents – there are multitudes of blogs, videos, and whatnot already covering this topic. 

Second, we simply want to talk about our own mistakes as first-time moms – not to rub our mistakes in, but more of to support each other that “hey, we made the same mistake and it sucks! But the good thing is that we can always repair relationships and become better parents.”

Third, we want to encourage other parents that mistakes are part of the learning curve, and though some mistakes may have heavier weight than others, what’s important is how we own up to them and strive to emerge as better individuals afterwards. 

Finally, and the most important of all, is that we want all mothers, especially first-time-moms, to be kind to themselves. There are no schools that teach us how to be mothers to our kids – as kids are unique and different from one another – and we just learn how to be mothers just as our kids are already in front of us. It is impossible to flawlessly execute our plan to raise our kids the way we want it to. And as a mom, we are just simply learning and growing all the time.

So, let me begin. I hope that learning about my mistakes and mess ups will inspire you today.

Mistake # 1: Doing Everything For My Daughter

The first mistake that I made as a parent was to do everything for my daughter – feeding her, putting her clothes on, etc. Though I knew that she could actually do all these things by herself, I just wanted to be the one to do it for her. 

Sounds like you, too? 

Well, as moms, we just want to make our kids feel loved! And my mistake was that I equated being loved with being helped. I offered to help her with everything! And now that my daughter is a month shy of being 6, she still yearns for my help in almost everything she does! 

I am slowly encouraging her to become more independent, but I am doing it with tiny nudges, not big pushes (something that I learned from school recently). 

But the truth is, there is still a voice in my head saying that “she will not always be young like this. Go help her, she will not like the attention in a year’s time and eventually grow out of it!” 

Yikes! I guess I should be the one to grow out of it, right! 

Mistake # 2: Not Asking for Help

My second mistake as a first-time-mom is not asking for help. I am a middle child, and you know how a middle child’s brain works, right? 

Middle children are usually independent, self-reliant, and resourceful. Why? Because we are not getting the attention that we need most of the time! Ouch! 

And as a middle child, I learned to simply rely on myself all the time – also with raising my child. I rarely asked my mom, mother-in-law, or fellow moms for advice on what food to give to my child, or how to help her sleep better, etc. I actually did not know that my then 6-month-old baby should be fed with solid foods mixed with milk! I just mashed potatoes and gave it to Tala as a dry food! No wonder she got thinner and less heavier the moment she turned 8 months old! 

Music cue: If only I could turn back time (lol)

I did not like asking for help — which means that I never left my baby with anyone – even my mom – thinking that they might not take care of her the way that I want to. My baby and I were always together since birth, and if you sum up the number of days that she was not with me (excluding school days), then it would not amount to a week!

Result: a very clingy daughter! Waaah! 

Now Karen, don’t ever complain about not having as much free time as you want! Waaah!

Mistake # 3: Yelling and Hitting

When Tala was a baby, I vowed to myself that I would never yell at or hit her. I remember being yelled at and being spanked so much growing up, and I know how emotionally devastating it was. 

When Tala turned 3, she started to show stubbornness and a strong character. This did not go well with my ever-controlling personality. I hated it when she would say “no!” and no matter how much I conditioned myself to remain calm, I was always triggered by her defiance. And growing up in a yelling and hitting family environment made me think that the only way to keep my daughter obedient was to resort to the same behavior as my parents.

Only that it did not. Her behavior actually worsened. And I was always angry. And I hated myself for always being angry.

I do not want to be an angry parent anymore

And one morning, I simply made a decision that I do not want to be an angry parent anymore. I am aware that my daughter was acting up as a result of my anger and frustration. How can I ask her to be calm when I was not calm myself?

So, I turned to the Internet and tried to learn about positive parenting, calm parenting, and conscious parenting techniques.

The use of empathy, breathing techniques, and emotional regulation methods, helped me a lot in my journey towards becoming a calm parent. 

And I am proud to say that I do not resort to yelling and hitting anymore. I still feel triggered when Tala shows off her strong character, but I am a lot better in managing to keep myself calm in these instances. 

I am even prouder to share that Tala is also practicing breathing techniques to regulate her emotions whenever she is feeling something “big”. 

Conscious Parenting

Of all the new trends in parenting, it is conscious parenting that has the most impact in my parenting journey. I learned about it from a YouTube video, and I became so interested in it that I downloaded a book and began reading about its principles. These principles are guiding me now as I parent Tala. 

In a nutshell, conscious parenting states that parents need to be conscious, mindful, and intentional about how they raise their children. I will talk about conscious parenting in a separate blog. 

Not a Perfect Mom

I share a lot of videos and posts about Tala, her interests, strengths, and activities. Some parents are awed with how well she can read and write at an early age, and how confident she is, and they feel that I am such an awesome mom all the time! Well, this is false!

Well, I want to believe that I am doing a great job as a mom – with all the learning and growing happening within me- but I am not a perfect mom. I am far from being perfect. I made mistakes as a first-time-mom, and I know that I will continue to make mistakes every single day because it is part of being human! 

I hope that this article makes you feel less alone in case you are struggling with the same mistakes that I made. You are trying your best, and that’s what matters! 

You are exactly where you are meant to be – and that is being a mother to your kid/s. There is a reason that you were handpicked to become your little one’s mother – and that reason is that because you are a wonderful person and a great mother! Say this a million times in your head and believe it!