Today, the book I read was The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.
I have encountered the idea of Stoicism before, but reading about it again made me realize how relevant it is to the way I live my life—particularly because I like things to go my way most of the time.
I can spend a lot of time planning even the tiniest detail in my day – only to end up being disappointed because something did not go according to plan.
Sometimes, I don’t even realize how much mental energy I am spending on things that I cannot actually control.
And that is probably why the central idea of Stoicism stood out to me so much:
Focus on what you can control. Let go of what you cannot.
It sounds simple. But as I read through the book, I realized that actually living by this principle requires a lot of discipline.
We Spend So Much Time Trying to Control What We Can’t
One of the most important ideas in Stoicism is that not everything in life is within our control.
There are things we can influence, things we can respond to, and things we simply have to accept.
This immediately reminded me of Stephen Covey’s first habit in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: focus on your Circle of Influence rather than your Circle of Concern.
I remember reading that concept before and thinking that it made perfect sense. But Stoicism brought me back to the same idea from a different perspective.
There will always be things that concern me that I cannot change.
The question is whether I will continue spending my energy on them.
I cannot control the religious practices of my neighbors, or how my parents think. I cannot control traffic during the morning rush hour, and I certainly cannot control wars happening in other parts of the world.
Yet how often do I allow these things to disturb my peace?
I remember how, two years ago, my family was supposed to spend Christmas in Israel, one of our dream countries to visit. We had everything booked – from flights to hotel accommodations. However, months before our trip, the war broke. We felt sad that we couldn’t go there as planned and we had to cancel all our bookings, but it was also painful to see another war breaking yet again.
But, there was nothing that we could do about the situation, other than praying for peace to reign.
And now that this memory surfaced, I am realizing yet again that when faced with this situation, it is best to remember what Stoicism stipulates. We really cannot control everything that’s happening around us, so there is nothing better to do but to control how we respond.
I can choose whether I will allow something to ruin my entire day.
I can choose whether I will keep replaying a situation in my head or simply accept that it happened and move forward.
That distinction is something I really want to practice more.
Maybe I Don’t Have to React to Everything
Another part of Stoicism that stayed with me is the idea of pausing before reacting.
I think this is particularly important for someone like me who can sometimes become emotional or overthink situations.
When something upsetting happens, my first instinct is to become reactive – not overtly, but becoming reactive in my head. I begin to plan what I will say, or what message I will send, or how I can fix the situation.
But Stoicism reminds me that my first emotional reaction does not have to become my final action.
I can pause.
I can breathe.
I can allow myself to calm down.
And only then can I decide what actually needs to be done.
That sounds so basic, but I think there is wisdom in it.
Being angry doesn’t mean I have to act angrily.
Being hurt doesn’t mean I have to immediately respond.
Being disappointed doesn’t mean I have to make a decision at that exact moment.
Sometimes, we don’t need to do anything immediately.
Sometimes, we simply need to give ourselves enough time for the emotion to settle so that we can see the situation more clearly.
This is also one reason why I want to continue journaling. Whenever I journal, I give myself time to clarify my thoughts and feelings, and it helps me also to pause, reflect, and delay my reactions, because in reality, usually, my initial reaction is not the best one. Journaling is more about creating enough space between what I feel and what I do.
That space can make a huge difference.
Difficult Situations Don’t Always Have Just One Solution
Stoicism also places importance on courage.
But the kind of courage I took from this book isn’t necessarily the dramatic kind we usually associate with the word. It is the courage to face a difficult situation and continue looking for a way forward.
Sometimes when something doesn’t work, we immediately think, That’s it. There’s nothing I can do.
But perhaps there is another way.
Maybe we need to approach the problem differently.
Maybe we need to be creative and try another solution.
I like this way of thinking because it gives us something productive to do when life doesn’t go according to plan.
We may not be able to control the obstacle.
But we can control our willingness to keep looking for a solution.
This reminds me of my life as a teacher. There are always ways on how a child with specific learning or behavioral difficulties can be helped. Talk to the child’s parents. Change routines at home and in school that could have been aggravating the problem. Connect with the school counselor and learning diversity specialist for support. Or add supplementary activities to assist learning or keep the child cognitively stimulated. The list is endless. We just need to be creative and courageous in thinking of more solutions that could work.
I Cannot Control What People Think of Me
This was probably the part of the book that felt the most personal to me.
The Stoics emphasized controlling our own thoughts and actions rather than trying to control other people.
Marcus Aurelius wrote extensively about directing our attention toward our own minds and actions.
Theodore Roosevelt also emphasized focusing on what we do rather than becoming consumed by other people’s opinions.
And this is something I need to remind myself of often.
I cannot control what people think about me.
I cannot control whether they approve of my decisions.
I cannot control whether they misunderstand me.
I cannot control whether they agree with me.
I can explain myself. I can act with good intentions. I can try to do the right thing.
But after that, the other person’s response belongs to them.
And maybe I need to stop taking responsibility for things that were never mine to control in the first place.
This is especially difficult because I grew up with my parents putting much weight on what others think of us. I guess they just want to have a positive image of our family, but it became too obsessive that we even practiced how to call them in the office so that we would sound pleasant, or that we should wear the clothes they want for us so that people would perceive us to be well-off.
Stoicism reminds me that I don’t need to win everyone’s approval. And slowly, I am relearning that what I need is just to be true to myself.
I just need to make sure that my actions are consistent with the kind of person I want to be.
The Same Lesson Applies to Work
The idea also made me think about work.
There have been times when I have worried about how people perceive my work, whether they appreciate what I do, or what they might think of my decisions.
But ultimately, what is within my control?
My effort.
My attitude.
The quality of my work.
How I treat people.
Whether I show up and do what needs to be done.
Those are things I can control.
Whether someone notices my effort or interprets my actions differently is not always within my control.
This also reminded me of Getting Things Done by David Allen.
One of the ideas I took from that book is the importance of dealing with what is in front of me instead of allowing my mind to become overwhelmed by everything happening around me.
Sometimes, we simply need to get the work done.
Not overreact.
Not underreact.
And not overthink about others’ perception of us.
Just identify what needs to be done and do it.
In a way, Stoicism and Getting Things Done seem to meet at the same place: focus your attention on what is actually yours to deal with.
Just recently, I did my best to apply this at work. Instead of overthinking about how other people might perceive me at work, I focused on the kids in front of me, played with them, laughed with them, and helped them deal with their emotions. I realized that my interactions with the kids became more authentic because my focus was only on them and their needs, and not on other things around me.
What I Want to Take With Me
After reading The Daily Stoic, I found myself thinking about how many of my worries are actually about things I cannot control.
What someone thinks of me.
How someone reacts to me.
What someone chooses to do.
Things that happened in the past.
Things that might happen in the future.
And yet, while I am busy thinking about all of these things, I may be neglecting the one thing that is actually within my control:
What I do right now.
That is probably my biggest takeaway from this book.
I don’t need to control everything.
I don’t need to have an answer for everything.
I don’t need to make everyone understand me.
I don’t need to react to every situation immediately.
I simply need to do my part.
I need to focus on my thoughts, my actions, my work, and the way I respond to the circumstances in front of me.
I also want to become better at pausing before I react. To breathe. To journal. To let the emotion settle before deciding what to do.
Because I know myself well enough to know that sometimes, my mind can make a situation much bigger than it actually is.
Maybe the solution isn’t always to change the situation.
Maybe sometimes, the solution is to change the way I respond to it.
And perhaps that is what I am taking away from Stoicism today:
I cannot control everything that happens to me. But I can choose what I do with what happens.
That is a much smaller responsibility.
And, somehow, it also feels like a much more powerful one.
