Every night, to cap off our day, Tala and I do this routine: after taking a shower, we switch on our night lamp, listen to Disney music, lay on the bed, prop our feet on pillows, and talk about whatever we can think of.

Just last night, while doing our nightcap, something caught our fancy — the Santos Agreement taped on the wall just beside Tala’s bed. Click the link if you want to learn more about our agreements.

Me: Tala, I feel good that I am not yelling anymore. I don’t yell anymore, right?

Tala: Yes, not anymore. =)

Then, we dropped the subject and talked more about our day, cuddled, prayed with Tatay, read a bedtime story, and finally, went to sleep. 

Yes, we dropped the subject in a snap, but the feelings of happiness and satisfaction lingered. 

And so, I want to share with you my journey from being a yelling parent to a non-yelling one.

My Journey Towards Non-Yelling

I did not give birth and suddenly became a calm parent. No. Did you read about my mistakes as a first time mom? If not, read here.

But, it all started with a decision that I want to put a stop to being the angry,  un-calm, and yelling parent that I was. 

I decided that I would commit to my decision to become a non-yelling and positive parent.

Learning and journaling

The first thing that I did was to buy a journal where I planned to write every piece of advice on parenting that I would find applicable in my situation. 

I read about calm parenting, about conscious parenting, about positive parenting, and even about the Montessori style of parenting, and wrote all my learnings in my journal. 

I also listened to parenting podcasts and watched TedTalks shows that talk about parenting. All the learnings, every bit and piece of advice from experts, went to my journal. 

I say a little prayer for myself

From the moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup

I say a little prayer for myself.

This is true. I say a little prayer that God will help me to become calmer and less angry. 

I do not pray for Tala to become more cooperative and less irritable. I know that it is my own reactions that I need to be more in control of.

 I am the parent, and I want to be the bigger person here. 

The prayers and the bits and pieces of advice on my journal worked, because little by little, I was becoming calmer and less angrier as days went by.

Santos Agreement

To be sure that I would commit to my decision to be a non-yelling parent, I suggested that this will be a part of our family agreement. Hence, Agreement # 2 states that “We use a kind and respectful voice”. 

I asked Tala and Tatay to remind me to use a respectful voice when they hear me yelling, or almost yelling. I welcomed their feedback and became more mindful of my voice all the time. 

 These strategies helped me to become the non-yelling parent that I am right now. I am proud of this accomplishment, and I commit to becoming a non-yelling parent as long as forever! 

How to be a Better Parent Without Yelling

In this part, I would like to share with you 5 principles that I followed that helped me to become a non-yelling parent. 

These principles are compiled from articles that I read, podcasts that I listened to, and words of wisdom from fellow parents.

1. Govern yourself

Governing yourself is one of the principles of calm parenting. This means that you should be aware of your triggers and how you react when you are uncalm. 

Doing this is the first step towards becoming calm. 

Personally, my triggers are whining and saying NO! 

When Tala starts to whine and say No! To me, I become uncalm.

And when I become uncalm, I yell, I get angry, and I say hurtful words. 

I started to govern myself and I realized that I should change my approach when Tala starts to whine. 

Before, when Tala starts to whine, I get angry and yell. 

But now, I know better. 

Instead of yelling STOP WHINING! (which led to crying and more whining), 

I used my calm voice and said, LET US USE OUR KIND AND RESPECTFUL VOICE.

Instead of getting angry, I go away first, take deep breaths, and come back when I am ready to talk in a calm way. 

How to Avoid Yelling

Govern Yourself. 

Understand your triggers.

Be aware of your reactions to these triggers.

Work on your reactions and replace them with calmer ones.

2. Show a calm face, a calm body, and a calm voice. 

When you have a calm face, you are not frowning. Your eyebrows are not furrowed. 

When you have a calm body, you are breathing normally. Your muscles are relaxed.

When you have a calm voice, you speak using a normal voice. You are not yelling.

And trust me, the moment you show a calm face, a calm body, and a calm voice, your child will become calmer, too.

Have you seen the video where the child mimics the reactions of her parents? This is the same thing with calmness. 

Whenever we meet our triggers, we should stay away from the situation, take deep breaths, and deal with the situation only when we are ready to show a calm face and a calm body. 

Yelling is unlikely to happen when we are in a state of calm. 

How to Avoid Yelling

Keep your body and face calm.

Speak with a calm voice. 

Take deep breaths.

Practice mindfulness and meditation.

3. Empathize with your kid.

Empathy is one of the central ideas of positive parenting. When we empathize, we are able to see the perspective of another person and understand their feelings. 

As a parent who is yearning to become calmer and less angry, it is important to listen to our kids, meet them where they are coming from, and validate their emotions.

Have you heard about the principle of Connect before Correct?

This means that before you correct your child’s misbehavior, it is better to connect with them first. 

Here are some examples:

When your child throws a tantrum and threw his toys because he wants to play outside but could not because it is raining, how do we connect before we correct?

Connect by validating their emotions

I know how much you want to play outdoors. I would also feel sad if I am in your position. 

Do you want to give mommy a hug so you feel better?

Correct once your child is feeling calm and feeling loved:

Earlier, I saw that you threw your toys because you were upset. Why did you do that? 

That was dangerous because it could hit people and it could damage things inside our house. 

What do you think is a better way of showing that we are upset next time?

When your 6-year-old hits her little sister because of a toy. 

Connect by validating their emotions

I know you feel upset because your little sister is grabbing your toy from you. I would be upset if someone grabs something from me, too. But, hitting is not acceptable in this house. Please go to your room and play there by yourself first.

Correct once your child is feeling calm and feeling loved:

Are you ready to talk about what happened earlier? 

Why did you hit your sister?

Do you think hitting is a good solution to that problem?

Your sister already knows that grabbing toys is not correct. But if she does it again next time, what do you think is a better way to deal with it?

Great job, my big girl. I want to hug you right now. Do you want to hug mommy?

4. Understand that there are things beyond our control

This is so true. As a parent, there are so many things that we want to control, but could not. But, there are things that we can control. 

What is it that we can control? Our own thinking, emotions, and actions!

What is it that is beyond our control? Our kids’ thinking, emotions, and actions! 

Why do we even want to control our kids?

 Is it for the sake of having someone to control? (You are my kid. Follow me!)

Is it for others’ approval? (My kid should do this so her teacher will like her.)

Is it for self-preservation? (My kid should do this so people will think I’m a great mom)

Is it for your own pride? (My kid should have good grades. Her accomplishments are mine, too.) 

But the truth is, our kids, as early as the toddler years, already have their own preferences and decisions. They start to assert their independence at 2 years old, and say NO! To almost every suggestion. 

And as our kids age, the more that they will assert themselves. 

And the more we go against their desires, the greater the power struggle will be! 

They have their own mind, and we should not control them! 

Apply the Let Them Theory!

Can you hear the yelling at home?

I want to wear this!!!!                                   You wouldn’t dare to!!!!!

  I don’t want to go to summer camp!         You will go starting tomorrow!!!

I just wanted to hang out with my friends!   Go to your room!! You’re grounded!!!!

How to Avoid Yelling

Simple. Hear each other out. 

Talk calmly.

Listen actively. 

  Cool off and talk when both parties are calm.

Make a decision where both parties are happy.

5. Separate emotions from discipline

How many times have we heard this? “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I was just anxious and worried that’s why I shouted.”

Most of the time, we yell when we face big nasty emotions, such as anger, frustration, worry, anxiety, and fear. 

And as parents, when we discipline our children, we usually feel one or all of these big nasty emotions… that’s why we yell. 

But, if we want to lessen or eradicate yelling from our household, then we should separate our emotions from the discipline act itself. 

Why? Because when we are emotional, we tend to become illogical.  

When we are angry, or worried, or frightened, we tend to think less clearly. 

Therefore, if we want to talk to our kids about their actions, or maybe about the consequences of their actions, we should do so without our emotions doing the talking.

This is tough to do, but it works. We should not let our emotions get the better of us. 

What’s Next?

Transitioning from a yelling to a non-yelling parent is not easy. It is a lot of work. It takes commitment and dedication to do it. It takes a lot of patience, self-regulation, and emotional maturity. 

Yes, disciplining without yelling is tough. But, we’ve got this, moms!

Try out the strategies I did, and let me know if these work for you, or if you have suggestions for us, too. 

Remember, this is Moms Inspiring Moms! 

Let us be the reason that someone gets inspired today!