This is no ordinary Wednesday.
Instead of heading to my daily workout after bringing Tala to school, I stayed at the school library to listen to a writing workshop for parents.
It is not the usual writing workshop where the participants are taught about writing syntax, grammar, or conventions. Rather, it is a workshop with an aim of helping the parents to encourage their kids to write stories or books.
The speaker, a grade 1 literacy teacher, showed us various books created by children aged 3 and above. You can sense how engaging it is to see those picture books –especially those with nothing but round and linear illustrations, which, to a 3-year-old, is a storybook in itself!
There are many insights imparted by the speaker to all of us, but the one that I want to highlight in this post is something that is not limited to writing but is applicable to every situation imaginable.
This is the power of giving nudges and honoring approximations.
Giving Nudges and Honoring Approximations
A nudge is defined as a light touch or a gentle prod. As opposed to a push, which is a forceful movement, a nudge is softer, less threatening, and more inviting.
More often than not, us parents talk about giving kids a “push” to encourage them to do something… or to move them out of their comfort zones. We push our 3-year-olds to wave back to strangers… we push young kids to try a sport we ourselves like… we push adolescents to share what’s happening in their lives with us.
And more often than not, this “push” leads to either of the two. One, they unhappily and ineffectively do as they were told to do. Or two, there is greater resistance to do what they are asked to do, which leads to a more forceful push.
If we know that a “push” leads to unhappiness (most of the time), then why do we do it? Probably because we do not know other healthy and encouraging ways to do so.
Giving an Encouraging Nudge
A nudge on the arm attracts attention… but does not threaten.
A nudge is soft… but encourages.
A nudge is gentle… but invites for action.
Instead of pushing someone to act the way we want them to, it is more effective to give a series of little nudges that are non-threatening, encouraging, and inviting.
Let us look at how different a push from a nudge can be using this example.
Scenario 1: Dad wants Charlie to write his full name CHARLEMAGNE S. ADAMSON, but he is scared to do so.
| PUSH | NUDGE |
Write your name on the paper. It can’t be that hard. You will just copy the letters from C to N! | Nudge 1: This can’t be that hard. Come, let’s start with C… |
| Nudge 2: You did it! Now, let’s work on the lowercase letter h. | |
| Nudge N: Wow, amazing! You wrote Charlemagne by yourself! Ready to go with the S? |
Can you see now the difference between a push and a nudge? Nudges are more encouraging and less threatening to a kid who is just learning a new skill.
Now, let’s look at another illustration.
Scenario 2: Mom wants 5-year-old Stacy to play with other kids in the playground.
| PUSH | NUDGE |
Go and play with other kids. | Nudge 1: Look, it seems like the kids are playing with something interesting. Want to see what they are playing with? |
| Nudge 2: You don’t want to? It’s okay, maybe we can just observe them from here. | |
| Nudge N: They are smiling at you. Do you want to come closer to them? |
My Personal Experience with Giving Nudges
Tala has been refusing to eat by herself since she was 3 years old, saying that using the spoon and fork is difficult. At first, of course, we kept on pushing her to do it, saying that kids her age already know how to do it, so she should do it, too. It didn’t work.
The more we pushed her, the more she resisted to do it.
Then one day, I saw her using her spoon while eating… just the spoon. She was happily scooping her food using her spoon, and occasionally would use her finger as her fork. She did this eating style a couple of times. I told my husband not to correct Tala so as not to discourage her from trying.
Nudge 1
I changed Tala’s plate from a plate to a bowl so that she can eat by herself using her spoon… and her finger.
Nudge 2
I re-introduced the fork and told her that she has a fork on her table should she need it.
Then, surprisingly, we saw her using her spoon and fork already, without any reminders or instructions to do so.
Nudging worked!
We oftentimes mistake our kids to being stubborn and lazy, when at times, they are just too overwhelmed with what they need to do. By breaking the task down to tiny steps and nudging them to do one step at a time, they will finish the task in no time!
Honoring Approximations
An approximation is something that is similar to something else, but is not exactly the same.
We usually use the term “approximate” in Math— in talking about distance or length or weight. “This apple is approximately half a kilo.” “We are approximately 1.5 kilometers away from the mall.”
An approximation is also used to describe something that is quite similar to something, but is not.
Just like an -ish.
A drawing quite similar but is not? Rainbow-ish. house-ish. Scooter-ish.
A skill that our kid practices but is not yet good? pirouette-ish. dribble-ish. feeding myself-ish.
Mommy-ish
Some things are just a little difficult for our kids to master, so just honor their approximations and continue giving nudges.
What is important is that we honor their approximations, salute them for their efforts, and continue giving nudges for them to keep going and get better.
Being a parent or a teacher (or both) is difficult. We just have to remember that in fulfilling our roles, we can either choose to become more dictating with a push or more inviting with a nudge.
As with literacy… let us ask ourselves: Are we more likely to push our kids to master reading and writing or are we more likely to give them tiny nudges and honor their approximations as they strive to be better?
There you go! I wish all of us the best! Let us all inspire each other to become the best moms that we can be to our children!
