There is one interesting topic that I heard in one of the podcasts that I was listening to. This is called the Let Them Theory.
The Let Them Theory, in a nutshell, talks about how we gain emotional peace and a more peaceful relationship with others when we just “let them” do whatever it is that they want to do.
The “Let Them Theory” instantly halts the impulse to control others.
We oftentimes trick ourselves that we can control people, or manipulate them. Why? Because we become uncomfortable with the idea that the way we imagined things to be is not going to unfold.
Well, the reality is that…you can only control yourself.
When we deny ourselves the satisfaction of obsessing over the actions of others, we free ourselves from the emotional stress of not being able to control something or someone.
So, when you find yourself being in a situation where you feel the need to control a person, apply the “Let Them Theory” right away.
So, how do you do the Let Them Theory?
It is simple. When somebody tells you that they want to do something, just LET THEM!
Your 50-year-old friend wants to leave her job and pursue her passion in acting. LET HER!
Your son wants to enrol in ballet classes instead of a basketball clinic. LET HIM!
However, there are situations wherein the LET THEM THEORY should not be used. Let’s read below.
Ways When Not To Use the Let Them Theory
The Let Them Theory is not applicable in all situations. There are instances when we have to step up and not let people do what they want to do.
When somebody wants to do something dangerous
Will you let someone drive a car after drinking alcohol? Of course not!
Will you just stand back and let someone slash their wrist? Of course not!
We exercise proper judgement when we see that someone’s life could be threatened by their actions.
When you need to advocate for yourself
Will you let your boss give you a salary that is lower than what you deserve? You should not!
Will you let someone pressure you into drinking alcohol at a party? No!
You should not let people pressure you into doing something uncomfortable. You should advocate for yourself all the time.
When someone continuously crosses boundaries
Will you let someone keep on saying racial blurs to you? You should not!
Will you let your partner continuously cheat on you? Of course not!
You should not let people continuously cross your boundaries.
Read also: Do the outdoors really make kids happier?
Can I use the Let Them Theory in parenting?
Yes, it is highly applicable! It might be difficult, though, but doable!
Personally, I think I will struggle with applying the Let Them Theory on my daughter because I am a self-confessed control freak when it comes to her. But maybe chancing upon this theory is a message from the heavens to let go little by little.
Promotes growth and confidence
I think there are advantages to using this theory in parenting.
One is for giving our kids room to grow. According to Erik Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development, it is important for young children to exercise control over themselves so that they will gain confidence in their own capabilities. If not, they will doubt their own abilities and will quit trying.
This reminds me of a co-parent of mine who lets his 1-year-old kid climb the monkey bars. Of course, my co-parent was there beside his kid in case she misses a step or slides down. It was an amazing sight to see how this little kid braves the monkey bars with a proud smile on her face.
So, I think the LET THEM THEORY, when used with caution especially with younger kids, would really be beneficial for their growth. Not only will they feel more confident and comfortable in their bodies, they will also learn to exercise their critical thinking skills as they navigate their world.
Similarly, how peaceful and emotionally relaxed it must be for us parents if we just let go of the reins and just let them do what they want to do, of course, unless the LET THEM THEORY is not applicable.
Helps to understand the consequences of their actions
People learn a lot from their mistakes. Same thing with children. Children understand their mistakes when they go through the consequences of their actions.
Do you have a child who is dependent on other people to pack his things for school?
This time, let him do it for himself. And let him go to school without his lunch if he forgets to put it in his bag. He will learn to advocate for himself and find solutions to his problems. Trust me, he will never forget his lunch bag again next time.
I remember when I was in secondary. I knew I had a Biology test the next day but I chose to go to the mall, instead. During that time, my mom lets me work around my schedule and trusts me with my schoolwork. So, of course, I failed my test and I got my first 78 (C+) ever! Failing this test was certainly a lesson for me that helped me learn the concept of “first things first”.
Leads to self-discovery
It is common for us parents to imagine the best selves of our children. We love the imagined “best potential” of our child that is ingrained in our heads.
“My child will be a great ballerina” — that’s why a mother enrols her child in ballet class even if the child doesn’t want to.
“My child takes after his sporty dad” — that’s why the child is enrolled to all summer sports clinics
We can be like the parents illustrated above one way or another. Sometimes, we fail to let our kids choose the track they want to tread because we are so busy guiding them to the path we imagined them to be on.
During adolescence, it is important for teenagers to explore different options by themselves so that they can have a strong sense of self. This means that parents should let their children navigate their own world, make mistakes, and understand themselves without any external pressures coming from their families and friends.
Let them choose their own extra-curricular activities.
Let them hang out with their own friends.
Let them work on their own passions.
As parents, we should step back but remember to…
Let them ask questions when they need clarifications.
Let them seek guidance when they are confused.
Let them hug you when they need comfort and safety.
Let them know that their parents are on the sidelines while letting them explore their world.
What’s next?
As parents, it is common for us to control our kids and to dictate what actions we want them to do. We usually have a playbook in our heads about how things should be done, and we get highly annoyed when our kids steer away from the playbook!
But, if we want our kids to gain confidence, to grow from their mistakes, to discover their identities, while we gain more emotional peace and less mental struggles, then we should definitely try the LET THEM THEORY!
Try it now and let me know how it goes in the comment box.
Read also: It’s okay to feel sad
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