If you are a parent, then this situation is probably familiar to you. Your lovable little child decides to throw the biggest tantrum when you are at an important gathering, at the playground, or at the grocery store. You will find them crying their hearts out, screaming, and maybe even flailing their arms wildly while lying on the floor. 

Of course, everybody has turned their heads towards you, and you feel their judgmental stares at you. And no matter how much you tell yourself that you do not care what others are thinking right now, you still feel small, uncomfortable, and self-conscious. 

Are people thinking now that I am a bad mom? Are they judging me that I cannot discipline my own child? Are they judging my child for their poor behavior and self-management skills?

As a parent, of course, you will try to reason with your child, calm them down, distract them, or even bribe them to stop crying, but still, everything just seems to aggravate the case. And with all the noise around you, you start to feel desperately frustrated. You become unsure of how to handle this tantrum. You are torn between giving in to their tantrum or staying firm. 

Do not worry, you are not alone. Tantrums are definitely hard to deal with, and it is but natural for parents to feel embarrassed or frustrated when these happen in public places. But, what is important is for us parents to remember that tantrums are not reflections of our parenting methods. We have to understand that tantrums are a natural part of child development. They usually happen with kids aged 2 to 4, the stage where kids want to assert their independence but still do not have the skills to express them well. But, sometimes, tantrums extend to 5- or 6-year old kids, especially when they feel tired, anxious, or overwhelmed. 

When tantrums happen, especially in public places, it is important for us parents to remain calm and use this experience as an opportunity to teach our children about care, firmness, and emotional regulation.  

Keep a Calm Face, a Calm Voice, and  a Calm Body

You are facing a very frustrating situation, and it is very hard to remain calm. However, you need to be calm. Breathe, and remember that your child is simply having a hard time expressing themselves well. 

First, keep a calm face. When you show an angry face, the more that your child will feel upset and anxious. Keep a calm face and breathe. 

Next, keep a calm voice. Do not shout. Keep your voice normal as you soothe your child and comfort them. The higher your voice is, the more your child will increase the volume of their cries. 

Finally, keep a calm body. Do not show aggressiveness to your crying child. Do not threaten to slap or hit or pinch. Keep your hands to your sides, or offer a hug to make your child calm. 

Remember, the aim is for your child to learn emotional regulation, and they should see first and foremost from their parents how it is done. 

Do Not Try to Explain Anything to Them

Children who are going through a tantrum have limited listening abilities. No matter how much you explain the situation to them, they would never find the ability to listen. All they care about is letting out their emotions and expressing themselves the way they know how.

So, when they are crying, shush. Let them continue with their meltdown in a more contained space, so that public disturbance is minimized. Go to the car, or go to the restroom, or go to the fire exit staircase. When they are calm, that is the time when they are ready to listen to an explanation. 

Know that you Care

Help your child become calm by letting them feel your presence and care. If you threaten to leave them or if you ignore them, they will feel worse. If you scold them or hit them, they will feel more upset, scared, and more insecure.

Just stay with them and make them feel that you understand what they are feeling. Empathize with them and model breathing techniques to help them stay calm. 

Empathize

Children throw tantrums for different reasons. Some begin to have meltdowns because of a physiological stimulus, such as being tired, or being hungry, or being sleepy. Empathize with them, validate what they are feeling, and stay calm. “Are you crying because your tummy is painful and you want to eat?” Helping them understand their needs will help them to express themselves using words later on. 

Some children also throw tantrums because of feeling intense emotions, like sadness, or anger. Empathize. Let your child know that you understand what they are feeling and that these feelings are valid. “I know you are upset because you want to eat cotton candy from the store, and I did not let you buy it. I understand why you are sad. I will be sad, too, if I do not get what I want.” Then, make them feel safe by hugging them until they are calm. 

Showing empathy helps children understand that people feel different emotions. They also feel secure that their parents love them by helping them with their feelings. Finally, they learn how to manage their own emotions and keep themselves calm. 

Hear Each Other Out

When both parent and child are calm after a stressful meltdown, it is time to sit through a conversation. Conversations do not need to be lengthy or emotionally-laden. Use simple language and make sure that your explanation will suit the age of your child. You may say, 

“I know you really wanted to eat the cotton candy offered at the store. It really looks yummy. But remember, we do not eat sweets before dinner because it will ruin your appetite.” 

Do not just talk. Listen also to your child if they are old enough to express themselves. If your child bargains with you, such as having dessert after dinner, which is not problematic with any pre-set agreements, then you can oblige. In this way, your child will learn about firmness (not giving in to the tantrum), and care (listening to each other). 

What’s Next?

Handling tantrums is tough. Just remember not to take tantrums personally and remember that your child just needs the tools to express themselves well. As for us, let us handle every meltdown with empathy, care, respect, and calmness. Let us show our little ones that if we can regulate our own emotions, then so can they!

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